Disturbing Behavior

My wife and I have an arrangement that helps me control my taste buds. Anytime she eats something I find tasty, I get a kiss so I can taste the flavor. This has worked very well, especially with chocolate. Chocolate has a strong taste, even it is received second hand. This has also worked well with other foods.

Last week was one of those work travel weeks. My coworker, Steve, and I had to visit one of our satellite offices. It was a six hour round trip, so there would be lots of nibble time in the car. Riding in a car is one of the worst situations for dieting. I am the type of person that needs to have something to drink and to nibble on while I drive. Since limited diet drinks are allowed, I can satisfy the liquid cravings. I have found that a small bag of pretzels can subdue my need for snacking. There is a bit more sodium than I need, but it will have to do. However, none of this helps when the passenger can eat anything they desire.

Steve and I headed back on Friday. We made the normal out of town stop to fuel up and load up on caffeine and snacks. I love convenient store food! Call me crazy, but the greasier the better. As usual, this store had plenty of pizza happily baking under the heat lamp. I took one glance and ran to the car with my pretzels and diet soda. Within a few minutes, Steve was in the car and we were on our way. As I took a drink of my soda, I noticed Steve unwrapping something. You guessed it, he had some pizza. I silently watched as took bite after bite. I looked at him with a pitiful look on my face. "Dude, you wouldn't do me a big favor would you?". He almost fell out the car when I told him how my wife and I handle that situation. We had a good laugh. No, I would not have kissed him for a taste of pizza. If he could have guaranteed me that I could have a full slice and it was calorie free, we would have had a situation on our hands.

This was a great week that ended with some disappointments. Our cycling group had planned a huge ride followed by a picnic. If there are two things our group can do, cycling and eating would be at the top of list. We did a very hard ride before the picnic. I am sure most everyone, including myself, decided not to eat much before the ride. That would somehow make us feel less guilty about what we were eating after the ride. I had already decided I was going to eat a hamburger. No cheese, no mayo, just burger, bun and ketchup.

I won't go into a long description, but I may have had more than one burger, hot dog, cheese dip and maybe a cookie or two. I actually switched to celery sticks in a desperate attempt to fill this black hole of an appetite that was taking over my universe. I finally regained control of my senses and backed away from the buffet line.

It is difficult to understand the emotions I felt the next few minutes. I felt defeated, lazy, disgusting, and severely depressed. I had to weigh in the next day and I was sure I just put back on the entire seventeen pounds I had worked so hard to lose the last three weeks. I decided to take a walk to the restrooms that were about fifty yards away. The group was laughing and having a good time so I am sure nobody saw me. If they did, I must have looked like a puppy who had just been kicked by its master.

I am not sure if it was the food or the fact that I was so upset, I became very nauseous. I stood in the restroom and hoped I would get sick. It then occurred to me, if I did vomit, most of the stuff I just ate would disappear. It would almost be like it never happened. You know, I could just use my finger to induce the action.

Holy crap, did that thought just run through my head! Have I lost my mind? Never in my life have I had this type of thought. I quickly left the restroom and rejoined the group. I did not want to be left alone.

Bulimia is a serious condition. I had no idea that there were two types of Bulimia. There is "Purging" and "Non-Purging". The purging thought scared me, but I think I am more worried after reading about "Non-Purging". This a condition where the person uses excessive exercise or fasting after a binge to offset the caloric intake.

After much reading, I decided I am not in either of these categories. I can't tell you how much this episode bothered me. When we lose weight, we feel better about ourselves in so many ways. We want to lose more weight and we want to lose it fast. No one can be strong all the time. You have to give yourself a break or even consider it a reward for being strong up to that point. Reward yourself sensibly and get back on track. Eating disorders are common and are very dangerous. If you feel you have a disorder, get help!

I was very nervous stepping on the scale the next day at the clinic. To my surprise, I still lost six tenths of a pound that week. I had not ruined my progress, all was not lost. I have recovered and hope that will be the weakest moment I have throughout this process.

Something else has been off the last few days. Until today, I couldn't put my finger on it. I have been pulling my socks up every hour for the last few days. I had no idea weight loss would affect how your socks fit. This weight loss process is an adventure. I can't image what happens next.